Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Stream of Consciousness

{No pictures today, sorry. Just a stream of consciousness.}

I was sitting on the couch last night, halfway agonizing that my belly was getting big; that my diaphragm hurt and that the bruise where I fell off a ladder {more on that later} seemed to be getting more tender by the moment...when he kicked me. Hard. Just a little reminder that he's still there, as if I could ever forget. 

A few moments earlier, I'd been sucked into the dark hole that is Facebook, where I landed on a photo of my brother- and sister-in-law standing on their front porch with our three-day old niece and I found myself longing for that very moment. They looked so happy - albeit exhausted - bringing their little girl home, and I wanted every single thing in that photo right now: my sister-in-law's flat belly {seriously, how?}, my husband to wear the exact same smile his brother was sporting holding his daughter, and the thought actually crossed my mind: "I can't wait to not be pregnant anymore." I admit it. I was jealous.

And then another thought hit me: Never is he more protected and safe than where he is right now at this very moment. Once he's out, he's the world's. I won't be able to protect him from illness, or mean kids at school, or the heartbreak that comes with life. 

And I was just reminded to slow down. Enjoy it. Savor it. 
As Brandon likes to remind me when I'm complaining about the latest pregnancy symptom, "Remember how much you wanted this." 

It's still so weird to me that there's a human living in my belly and that in three very short months, I'm going to be a mom. To an actual person. An actual person with a name who will {hopefully} grow up and become a productive, contributing member of society. I'm responsible for him. Having a baby isn't just all about the cute clothes, decorating a nursery and sweet baby smells, although that is a really big positive. 

But the thought that I'm going to be a mother scares the ever-living daylights out of me. Actually, I take that back. Birth scares the ever-living daylights out of me. Being a mom is a close runner-up. 

In a very odd way, I have the same feeling I have the night before I moved out of my parents' house and began my college journey in Waco. I knew it was inevitable that it happen, I just had no idea what in the world it was going to be like. 

And in a very strangely similar way, that's how I feel right now. I know there is no doubt that in three months, he's coming. Like it or not. He'll be here. I just have no idea what it's going to be like. I'm dying to know who he's going to look like. Will he have my nose? What about my blue eyes? {Ohhh, please have my blue eyes!} Will he have Brandon's hair, the hair that was blond until he was almost eight?

Sometimes I look in the mirror and feel so old, yet so young at the same time. As Meredith Gray famously touted, "When did we become adults? And how do we make it stop?" I know I'm totally old enough for this - Brandon, too - but I think back: "Wasn't I just turning 21?" "High school wasn't that long ago, was it?" "I was just galavanting around Europe. Wait, no. That was six - almost seven - years ago." 

And that all reminds me of how fast it goes. Everyone says it does. "You blink and they're 18."

So all I want to do is savor. Savor the painful kicks in my ribs. Savor Brandon reading, "Oh Baby, the Places You'll Go" at night to this ever-growing belly. Savor people doing things for me...like not letting me ever get on a ladder for the next three months. Savor the weirdos who make comments like, "Wow! You've really popped!" {Or maybe not savor those...} Savor getting giddy when I see a gift has been purchased off our registries. Savor getting his room all ready, even if it means spending an arm and a leg on things I just have to have. And savor knowing he's growing and protected where he is right at this very moment, and that he's being beautifully and wonderfully made

How's that for a stream of consciousness?

2 comments:

  1. Love this!! Thank you for sharing mama :)

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  2. Great post! It's awesome that you are at this point now. I remember wishing everything along and once my baby was born, I wanted to put her back in for just a little longer. Enjoy every moment because life is going to be crazy -- and crazy wonderful -- from here on out.

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