Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Doubt

Doubt and worry. It plagues us all if we're really honest, doesn't it? 

I am typically very much a worrier: I worry about my family, I fear I'll lose my job, I worry about this baby and his development and delivery...I am a true worrier and I will be the first to admit that to you. I have to remind myself of the old adage: "Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere." 

But lately, Satan has been plaguing me with that other "worry": doubt. And I almost think doubt is worse than worry, to tell you the truth. Why? Because you doubt yourself. Your own self, which, if I'm being honest again: when you worry, you typically worry about others. Doubt is usually something you have in yourself. 

{I'm about to get real personal with y'all, mmmmkay?}


In the last few weeks, I've been severely doubting myself and my capabilities. "I can't do this job. I don't know what in the world I've signed myself up for," "How am I going to deliver this baby? I can't even get a flu shot!" "How on Earth are we going to afford this? I thought we had our finances all figured out, and now it's just one thing on top of the other!"  "I can't send my child to daycare. There's no way I'll be able to leave him." 

Those are all of those little thoughts Satan has put forth to me the past few weeks. Especially when I'm alone, or pseudo-alone: before Brandon gets home from work, in the shower, driving to and from work, and in those few minutes in the dark before I fall asleep. 

I will admit to you that it's been almost depressing, because at some point, I started believing those little lies. And I got really down on myself. I truly believed them: I truly thought I couldn't do all of those things...and some. I felt like everyone was out to "get" me. I felt like I couldn't win, no matter what I did. My days would start out like crap, and they'd end up like crap, too. But I thought about something: it's because I allowed those thoughts to consume my thoughts and my life, and because I allowed my days to be exactly as they were. 

And finally, yesterday, as I was sitting at a red light on the way to work, I just texted my mother-in-law. I didn't tell her anything except that I needed prayer because I was in a severe season of doubt. 

My mother-in-law, ever the fellow worrier {and she will tell you she is, too}, is an epic prayer warrior. She texted me back:

"The enemy loves for us to doubt and second-guess things. And it's especially easy to do that when things are chaotic and problematic. But you remember everything you have was given to you through God's provision, in His perfect timing, and He will supply all that you need this day and in the future to do it. I am praying for you, especially for a spirit of humility, to KNOW your need of God. I read in my devotional that a sweet sound in God's ears in when His people cry out to Him, 'Help, Lord!' It said the loving goal of God's long-suffering discipline in our lives is to bring us to the point of recognizing our desperate need of Him. I love this verse: 'The Lord will accomplish what concerns me. Your lovingkindness, O Lord, is everlasting.' -Psalm 138:8. Trust Him. Do your very best. And don't worry." 

I cannot tell you how that hit me like a 5,000-lb. sack of bricks. And anvils. And anything else ridiculously heavy. I wasn't doing exactly what I needed to do: I was relying on myself, and not Him. He is absolutely desperate for me to fall on my face and tell Him exactly what is wrong - even though He already knows - and that I needed Him to intervene and remove this doubt and worry from my mind. 

He gave me this job; He gave us all monies in our bank account; He gave us this precious baby...and it was all in His absolute perfect timing. 

It just made me realize that doubt and worry don't come from God in the least. Relying on and trusting in God is something Satan hates: he wants me to worry and doubt. 

As I'm finishing up this post, "In Christ Alone" came on my Pandora. And the words really got to me:

"In Christ alone, my hope is found. He is my light, my strength, my song. This cornerstone, this solid ground, firm through the fiercest drought and storm. What heights of love, what depths of peace, when fears are stilled and strivings cease. My comforter, my All in All, Here in the love of Christ, I stand."

Am I magically better today? Not at all. I have still doubted myself even today, and I know I will tomorrow, and probably the day after tomorrow, and the day after that, too. But I have reminded myself that doubt and worry are not things that come from God and He is the only person who can take that burden off of me...and put it on Himself. Because He loves me so much that he is in desperate need to do that. 

2 comments:

  1. I am thankful for your willingness to put this post out here. I too am much of a worrier and with the wedding being so close, every one of my grandparents being in the hospital in the last few weeks, and family far away it's hard to put those thoughts and concerns out of my mind. That was such a beautiful message from your mother-in-law and a great reminder to lift my worries and doubts up to Him.

    Semi-related/unrelated while I'm commenting (because it's on your next post), that was SO SWEET of Brandon to start your son's library with such great classics! You guys are going to be such loving and nurturing parents and your sweet baby boy will have such great examples of Christ loving parents.

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  2. This is a beautiful post, thank you so much for sharing! And what an amazing and sweet mother in law you have, a blessing in itself :)

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